I did a lot of emotional eating this weekend I'm not proud of and a lot of intentionally bad choices. I'm still 169.2 as my official weigh in though so not bad. more than a pound lost last week!

I had chick-fil-a on Friday AND pizza for dinner, and more pizza and unhealthy eating on Saturday. I was so sick on Sunday (think Alli) but i kept shoving chocolate in my mouth.

a new study has come out saying that fatty foods are just as addictive as cocaine an heroine. I wouldn't doubt it. Food makes me happy, and I am definitely jonesin' for some unhealthy foods right now. I think it's best they don't stay in my house because I don't have any control over it and I feel awful!

more later.

I'm noticing this week that when I'm struggling with stress I want salty things. I was so proud of myself yesterday after having a horrible day I really kept wanting to make bad choices but I didn't! Because of that, I was rewarded with a number on my scale I haven't seen since last spring when I had the stomach flu! 169.8! it's just barely in a different category but SO MUCH SKINNIER than 170 ;)

Last night I dragged myself to water aerobics. I'm kind of sad Vicki doesn't teach anymore on Thursdays, I'm interested to see if she will return. otherwise I might have to try a different class. last night was a lot of balance and a bit of strength but I just don't feel like I really burned calories or it was worth it. I really like the instructor but I feel like I can't even try hard enough to get my heart rate up. maybe I should suck it up and try spinning or zumba (still scared to go to a dance class)

I'm not beating myself up over toddler eating habits. yesterday Landon ate string cheese, a banana, turkey breast, corn on the cob, and v8 strawberry banana. I felt like he was eating all day too, but when I list it it's not a lot.

I'm trying to channel my friend Holly and start cleaning the house. I'm very ashamed at how it looks right now after weeks of keeping it moderately clean. ALL of a sudden I feel like cleaning but I don't have the energy.

heading to a friend's house this afternoon and then photography class afterwards. here's to healthy choices all day!

Internet world, I think I'm broken! I'm so emotional this week! I have no idea what's going on at all with my brain but it is obviously broken with the mental state I've been in all week.

I'm sure I lost (tomorrow morning will tell!) but I know that I saw a lower number than tomorrow morning will show and that might be where some of the emotions have come.

Projected weight loss seems to be 150 lbs by June. that will be pretty interesting to see. It means I am doing fantastic, so I'm not really surprised I'm not beating myself up about eating more than half a bag of Cadbury mini-eggs AND a cheeseburger WITH fries.

on the flip side this week has been a wreck. I was so busy outside and we were active and happy, but boy did hanging outside sure tire us out!

Tonight I happened to watch Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution. It made me cry, blogosphere. I don't know exactly why either. My family doesn't eat a table-full worth of processed food each week, but that's not always been the case. The people in this town are certainly looking like a bunch of know-nothings, and I think that's probably not true either. I think it's been crammed down our throats for years that we SHOULD eat healthy food! but we are lazy, and processed packaged products are so much easier to just toss in the oven and eat. I know when I'm lazy and out and hungry I'm hard-pressed to find an option that doesn't mean hauling the kids into someplace. What I mean to say is that there aren't very many satisfying healthy fast food choices. THey are there! I know my current favorite is Mcdonald's Southwestern Salad as well as their parfait. But what if you don't want a salad?
anyways, I'm getting ahead of myself. I am really upset about how my family, as a family, doesn't eat well. Landon is an extremely picky eater and I swore I wouldn't be the mom who made seperate meals, and for the most part I'm not, but today Mike and I had glorious salads with such delicious mouthwatering toppings you would be jealous. Landon had a corndog. He did eat an entire cantaloupe, but guess what he had for dinner? another corndog. where are the veggies? where re the good healthy balanced meals I worked so hard on his first 2 years of life? since when did CORN DOGS become an acceptable meal for him and why don't I care?

in this show today, the mother was asked to make a week's worth of meals for her family all at the same time. she made donuts, bacon, eggs, pancakes, pizza, corndogs , french fries and chicken nuggets. HOLY SHIT AMERICA. my family, even Landon, doesn't eat like that. I'm beating myself up, but other than the clear anti-veggie strike he has going on (which he does get from other sources, like spaghetti sauce), he does eat fairly balanced meals. he eats bananas at breakfast, yogurt, string cheese and PBJ for lunch on wheat bread, he eats grilled chicken, spaghetti, brown rice... But tonight was just a punch to the stomach because TODAY he ate like crap. I can see how this happens because we don't even have a dining room table. did you know that? we don't have a place for it in our house. Oliver eats in the high chair, Landon has a picnic table and Mike and I huddle over the coffee table while sitting on the couch.

I'm rambling because I should be in bed. that's where I'll go after one more thing.

This week my focus will be on our overall health as a family. I can't magic a place for a table, but I can make sure that Landon has healthy food on his plate at all times. I always feed him what we are feeding but ultimately end up making something slightly different for him. I'm never paranoid he's not getting enough or that he's hungry, but I do cater a bit more than I should. Ollie eats what we eat because he doesn't have an opinion yet. my kids are fantastic and I certainly don't want to kill them!

I'm really proud that they see me exercising and making choices, but they aren't old enough to make informed decisions about their bodies yet so I need to be firmer about making them.

I wish we had Tivo so I wouldn't forget about this Food Revolution on Friday. chances are I won't be able to forget because of the damned commercials on prime time, but mostly because it hit me hard and I won't stop thinking about how I just was blown away by everyone's resistance to change.

I'm chugging along! I feel kind of amazing this week. I'm sitting at 171 lbs even, which means I'm losing weight!

after two weeks of not going to the gym, I practically danced all the way there I was so excited. I love water aerobics so much. I think it's such a nice feeling to be pleasantly sore, and yesterday was all weights. (which are foam, and fun under the water)

Sad news is that while walking around town yesterday our new jogging stroller broke. the front wheel went careening off it and I had to wheel the kids home very awkwardly.

I think the biggest thing that I've noticed is that if I go over my calorie count I don't freak out, I just recognize it hinders faster weightloss and move on. that is a HUGE deal to me. When I did Weight Watchers I knew I could "save" up my flex points and splurge, but with the counting calories I had a really hard time allowing myself to get too close to the maximum of recommended calories. Yesterday I was hungry before bed, so I grabbed a yogurt. I didn't calculate my calories for dinner, but I estimate (high) and knew that the yogurt would put me over. I did the yogurt anyways and didn't feel guilty at all. and it was amazing!

anyways, I'm officially own 15lbs from Christmas :)

Wow. what a week. I didn't go to the gym, ate whatever I wanted and acted like a fool. I'll blame my period but really there is no excuse. to be fair, i really only went over my calorie limits 2 times, but that's 2 more times than I had the entire time I've been counting.

I didn't weigh myself this morning, mostly because I forgot before I dressed myself. 176.6 with clothing on doesn't count. I probably didn't gain or lose this week and I suppose that's just fine with me.

I had a secret goal of being under 170 this week but I certainly fucked that up. ah, well. at least I will only be bleeding a little bit when I have my obgyn appointment tomorrow.

my goals this week are to hit the gym -- and hit it hard. I will miss water aerobics for a birthday party tomorrow but I definitely have it planned for Thursday. I'm hoping to go to the gym this afternoon -- we will see how the kids feel. Oliver had a fever yesterday and Landon is still sleeping which is unusual for him, so maybe we will have to stay home because they aren't up to much. I do plan on going to the park this morning with our friends though. I have cookie cutters to pick up from freecycle as well. I think speed cleaning might be a better idea than the gym:) Our washer exploded yesterday and i need to clean up the aftermath. we were sitting in the kitchen when all of a sudden Mike and I hear gushing water. we turn to the washer and wter is STREAMING out the bottom. we yell "holy shit!!!" in unison and so does Landon. we raced to get towels and blankets but the water went into every single room of our house!! it was crazy! we had to put everything on the fence outside but nothing seems ruined and we already fixed the washer so that's good.

I'm dying to get into Bento again, and this time I think I'm going to suck it up and buy some vegetable cutters online.

Overall I'm impressed with how I'm changing this year.

I'm hoping to really work on cutting my calorie intake this week and moving towards a lower calorie/more weight lost after this. My dad is coming in April and I'd like to be in the solid 160s, which would be about 10lbs less than I am now.

I'm feeling very discouraged today. I am blaming my hormones, but I'm really frustrated. It has nothing to do with my weight, only my mood. Yesterday I felt like World's Worst Mother because I let the eldest watch TV all day. I didn't really feel like doing anything all day, and he was sick so we decided to just lay around.

I'm seriously lacking energy and attitude again today. I'm forcing us to go to the museum and to water aerobics tonight, but I'd rather just stay around and eat. I'm really focusing on mood-eating this week I guess because I dont' THINK I went over my calorie limit yesterday but I'm a lb heavier. I'll blame bloat, not poor choices.

I watched Sunday's Desperate Housewives, and Gabby has to leave her family because the girls have chicken pox and she hasn't had them. so she moves in with the childless gay couple down the street, and quickly remembers HOW FUN it is being single! in the end of the episode she finds out that they want her life and she wants their life and it makes her appreciate her life more. "at home I have to drink this in a Scooby Doo sippy cup!" haha. it was good because sometimes I do think "Gosh, would I still be FANTASTIC friends with so-and-so if we didn't have kids? I'm really missing a friend today and it's making me sad :(

Wow! this week was so great! I failed at going to the gym other than for class, but I lost 2 lbs I THINK. I was 173.6 at my lowest, and am 174.6 today, a week from weigh in last week. Minor victory is that I haven't seen 180 on the scale at all (even in sweatshirts and shoes!)

I'm feeling really proud of myself, despite the fact that I'm honestly missing my goals every single week, the most important thing I'm learning is consistency. I am making these classes and loving them! and just that amount of activity is good for me!

as a family we are making a conscious effort to move towards activity too! we aren't too thrilled iwth the cold weather, but we invested in a bike trailer/jogger that we tried out early in the week and we will hopefully pull out again. snow maybe in the next few days, which is totally uncool.

I've been on and off trying to lose weight for years and of course I learned about alL I could on the matter. I started off knowing that I'd never get pregnant if I didn't drop the weight, and that was a huge motivating factor. I went from 210lbs to around 170 when I finally got pregnant with Landon. I gained 27 lbs and lost it after I had him but then didn't feel motivated to continue because I was caring for an infant. Around a year after I had Landon I decided to do something about it, and started doing Weight Watchers again... only to find out I was pregnant with Oliver. each pregnancy has been riddled with complications. Gestational Diabetes early-onset, strict diet and lots of care, only to find that I developed pre-eclampsia and had Landon 4 weeks early. Oliver the same thing, only this time the blood pressure issues were earlier on and I ended up in the hospital for almost a month while we let him grow and we kept my blood pressure in check. I developed HELLP syndrome with Oliver, an even more rare and more complicated issue and he was 5 weeks early. Both boys were healthy weights, but this time I didn't gain half the weight I did with Landon and ended up thinner than when I started out. I hit 168 about a month PP thanks to the stomach flu, but quickly gained that back and more when re-introducing carbs back into my diet. I wish only that I had kept it in check, but I let myself balloon back to 187 because I felt that i deserved carbs and could eat what I wanted.
How wrong I was. I could be practically at my goal weight now if I'd just listend to myself and not my stomach.

Now I've been focusing on writing everything I eat down. I carefully add 200-300 calories to my recommended diet because Oliver still nurses pretty frequently. I sucked up all my fears about being "the fat girl" and joined a gym, only to find that I'm not nearly the only fat girl in attendance. I've learned to get over my fear of being laughed at in class and have started going to water aerobics twice a week. I've decided to try to run, and although I can't seem to get past week 3 of C25k I feel more confident in my abilities than every before. it's almost secondary, this weight loss thing, it's not the most important thing this time around. This time I want nothing more than to be a fit, healthy and active person.

Pregnancy, again, is my motivating factor. the thought that perhaps if I'm at a normal weight and not obese or overweight than my body might not be diabetic this time around, and I might not have blood pressure issues. I want to be able to keep up with my children. I want to be able to run after them and think it's fun and not work. I want to be happier and healthier and this is how I'm doing it. I know that it's a lot of work! I know that I'm working towards a healthier family with every calorie I burn, with every time I step on the scale and it's less, with every choice I make with my meals... I'm working HARD and I have such confidence in my abilities, I'm surprising myself. it shouldn't be huge surprise, I know I'm a dedicated person -- I managed to survive severe diabetes in pregnancy without needing to go on insulin (except after steroids but that doesn't count!). I know how nutritional labels work, I'm educated and smart. I. CAN. DO. THIS.

and that makes me proudest of all.