Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Today's post has a theme. I've been really under the weather emotionally lately and I know it's the season and the weather and all that stuff but anyways. my theme for today is "looking ahead"
I think that it may come as a shock to a lot of people but I'm a planner. I can't handle not knowing what the week will look like, or what we are going to do on any given day. The days that we have the most problems are the day where there is no plan. It is no surprise then that my kids, who are very into being spontaneous, are also way better behaviorally when we have a plan and we all know what to expect from the day.
That being said, I think it's no surprise that I've just been overwhelmed and feeling so blah. Our schedule was majorly messed up by the month of December and we haven't recovered. I've realized that it's a bit late for New Years Resolutions, but after meditating about my resolutions I've decided that they need to be refined and added to.
I've really been struggling with the idea that I could possibly homeschool my kids and it would work and we would all LOVE IT. I'm amazing when it comes to creating a fun environment for kids, but I'm not so good with discipline when we really need it and I don't always recognize when to have something STOP before it gets out of control until it's too late and into crisis mode. I have a HIGH CHAOS threshold too, so at least I can handle them with a cool head generally. On the flip side, I really really want to send them to 3 day preschool so I have a break in the mornings to clean and organize. but that wouldn't be until the fall and I'd hope hope hope that my house would be clean by then. The idea of running around town childless three times a week is very alluring. BUT I'd want to send them to a co-op preschool and I can't afford that and they are all kind of a drive (which means I'd be spending my mornings in a different town NOT getting things done)
What I need is to have my house organized FIRST. once that is organized we can work on our life. but the house NEEDS to be clean and orderly or I may kill myself. it sounds dramatic but I feel like I'm trapped. Not only do I feel trapped but it is semi-panic inducing just how much I need the order restored in our home. I feel utterly overwhelmed and crazy right now and being stuck in my stupid house is one of them. I know that I should be grateful I have a home, but I just feel like it's crushing in on me. We will never get a bigger house, the house will always never have enough room, etc etc.
I've also come to the conclusion that once my house is organized and I can re-organize the basic parts of our life and schedule and begin losing weight again, we can start considering adding #3. This is another complication. We'd love to have another child (or 100 whatever) but we don't know if we have the room. We'd have to get Oliver out of our room and into Landon's room so that the new baby could live in our room, but then what? I guess we have room for another. but after that... this house is too small for 4, let alone 5. It's really awhile before we can consider this, I have to lose weight. A LOT of weight. My scale broke and so I don't even know how much I gained over Christmas but I've been eating as much as I want and stress eating so you know that's just bad.
So the plan:
get the house CLEAN (by next weekend)
get the house organized (by end of February)
schedule (by end of March)
and then we will see and re-evaluate THE PLAN.
VICTORY IS OURS