oh I'm not doing well mentally this week. I'm feeling like the ultimate failure but not really caring enough. I've refused the gym twice and I don't foresee myself heading there tonight. I have little to no patience for my children's antics and I feel like a horrible mother because they've really been surprisingly good this week.

I've thrown myself into being as busy as possible -- lining us up for as many playdates and outings I can squeeze in to avoid being at home and alone and it's been working pretty nice. I lose it when I'm alone with the kids.

the bottom line is that I'm depressed. I know I am. I see absolutely every sign that I am all over the place mentally and I hate it. Sometimes knowing I'm depressed means I go into a mode where i can save myself but this time it's just like "eh, I guess I am, lets eat chips" and punishing myself for being fat and lazy and just not a good mother or even a good person.

my house is a wreck and I'm not cleaning it up and that's affecting my mood as well. I just don't know where to start and I'm so overwhelmed and I always think "well if it was cleaned just once and everything had it's place ICould keep it that way" and I Think that's true but if I don't do it... it just stays a mess.

it sounds awful but I'm leaving for FL in little over a week. I will be gone for a week and I have lofty high hopes that my husband will be so bored he will want nothing more than to make the house super clean. he only has a week, and if I had a week with no kids and just work who knows what I'd want to do. but imagine what you could do if you had whole days iwth no kids! how did i ever think I had no time before!!! the things I could accomplish in a day with no kids are staggering I think LOL.

this weekend will be busy becuase we really do need to clean. I"m having company over on Thursday night. we are planning on hanging out in the yard I Guess, but still. I have to clean up the yard and get it ready for night life. build a fire, set up tiki torches and candles and bug stuff and since I don't have any good lighting we are going to hang up lights in the trees so I need to pick some of that up and some chairs! we need chairs since all our patio chairs are officially broken. I only have a small table but that's not a huge deal because it's not like we are having everyone over for dinner. just cheap alcohol. and I know I'm going to get uproariously drunk becuase i don't ever just have one and I really like that feeling.

so yeah, this week sucks.